Thoughts

I guess I just don't understand how someone can not want to do better than what they grew up with. How can you not want your kids to have a better life than what you had? How can you not care that your kids are growing up in fiflth? Not everyone lives like that, you can see that. It shouldn't be normal. It isn't healthy! How could you not want to do everything possible to make sure that they aren't ashamed of how they grew up? How can someone who had a more normal life not care that their child is growing up like that? Nothing makes up for it, not drugs, not sex, NOTHING!
I just really don't know what else to say. It really hurts me.
I'm wondering if I do have a little ppd. Some things I have been feeling for a long time though. I think I might have some kind of chemical imbalance. My head is fuzzy, I can't think straight. I don't know where to start. I'm afraid of getting a wrong diagnosis. I just don't think I can handle all of the stresses. I don't want to keep feeling like I have to send Ava away every day. She's not really that bad of a kid.
I might change my blog to private.
We're going TOTing tonight, I hope it turns out alright.